Please, I know its hard. I know its unbearable at times, but please just wait for me.

I know you are lonely and you want someone to hold you, someone to tell you that you're beautiful, for someone to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I desperately want to be the one to do that.

You look around and wonder when you are going to get your "happy ever after." You will, just hang in there!

I'm here. Trust me, I am. I'm looking for you too. I'm lonely too.

But the places you are going looking for "love," the things you are doing to feel "love," they are breaking my heart babe.

Those guys aren't me... Those guys aren't able to give you the love I can. The love you were made to need. They give you tears, regrets and insecurity. They make you feel dirty as you walk home after another night, all by yourself. They make you feel worthless and you wake up with yet another hangover wishing that what you know happened didn't actually happen. Again.

They don't care about you. You are just another girl. You are just a fix. You are just a means to an end. Its fake! Don't you see! Can't you see! They don't love you!! I do...

I'm here. And Its killing me that I can't be with you and that you are torturing yourself like this. 

When you do the things you are doing, go the places you go, looking for me, you aren't the girl I'm looking for. You won't find me there, cause thats not the type of man you want. Thats not the type of man I am. Matter of fact, your wasting yourself away and becoming the opposite. I'm begging you. Please, stop.

And that love that you are looking for, that other half that you so desperately want. It's not even something I can give you. its something that you first have to receive from Jesus. We can only love because he first loved us. we have to receive his love.

So please, hear me out. I'm begging you. stop the torture. You may feel numb, but you are killing me. Its breaking my heart that you are throwing your precious pearls to the pigs. And one day, you won't feel numb as you tell me, the man of your dreams, all these things that you've done, your tarnished past, and watch as the tears stream down my face.

Seek real love. Get lost in that love that surpasses knowledge and fulfills you in ways that will make me fall even more in love with you. Be the girl you want me to marry even though we are yet to meet.

I'm here. I'm waiting for you. My heart longs for you.

Don't worry, don't be nervous. If you are having flashbacks to 5^th grade and wishing you would have studied that daggum table just 10 more minutes, you don't have to fret. I'm talking about a different kind of multiplication.

 Investment. Now there are a couple of you that just read the words "investment" and "multiplication" and you're thinking, "now that's what I'm talking about!" Sorry to disappoint, that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about Kingdom stuff. Stuff that a 100 years from now, will actually matter. Stuff that if we were right minded, we would realize is the only thing that matters, right now... I was asked some time back what I thought about financially supporting a person that was going to be a field director for a mission site over the summer. My immediate response, "YES!" Why was it such an easy response? Those two words: Investment. Multiplication.

Because when I talk about those two words, or they come up in conversation, you want to get as much as you possibly can out of what you put in. You want to invest a little and hope to get a lot, and you want the multiplication to be times more than two.

So what does Kingdom stuff and those two words have to do with each other? Believe it or not, absolutely everything.

Imagine with me this little ball of snow. Its rolling down a hill collecting even more snow and its goes from little to big. Every spin it gets bigger and bigger. Then little pieces go flying off it and they start rolling and get bigger and bigger as well. They keep rolling and rolling! Little pieces fly off them and start rolling until the entire hill is covered with huge balls of snow rolling down the hill.

You get it don't you? That's multiplication. What does that look in the Kingdom though...

Is this your little guy? Do you recognize this face? If you could hear his voice, would it be familiar? How about his laughter? Would it be the distinct sound of joy that makes your own heart melt? His little hand in yours; in that moment, does it make everything right in the world?

He's not, is he?

But what if he was?

Does it really matter? Does it?

With our mouths, with our minds, we say, "of course it matters! This is inhumane!!" but what do our actions really say?

Orphan is the term we use for 145 million children in this world. A number that is exponentially growing. Of the 145 million orphans, an estimated 143 million of those children are suffering from malnutrition.

400,000 of these kids will die this year... 

400,000.

Today, 1,095 will die.

In the 10 minutes it has taken you to read this, right at 8 orphans will have died.

Today, November 14^th, is World Orphans Day. It's not a day that we should have to "celebrate."

This isn't a terrible disease like Cancer or Parkinson's, that we don't have cures for. There is a cure, a solution to this epidemic. It's you... This huge problem takes one person saying I am willing to do something about it... 

"That one life matters! I will love him!" 

Then it grows to 10 people, then 50 people, then 2,000, and one day these 145 million children that aren't being love, won't be a "problem." 

So what if he was yours? What if he was your starving, malnutritioned, unloved little boy? What would you do about it... Even more importantly,

What has Jesus called us to do...

So today is my birthday. Yay, me! I'm 26!! That's exciting and all but the more I look at my life, the more I realize it's not about me. I mean, my birth day... The only thing I did on my birth day was finally arrive. I was naked and gross. Maybe we should celebrate my mom's accomplishment! Nice job mom!

But after some reflecting, I'm starting to think that maybe my life has been less about me and more about you...

 Since you're reading this, you've probably been apart of my "great cloud of witnesses" and allowed me to run this incredible race. You've probably been the "iron that sharpens iron" in my life that has made me the man I am today. So is it really about me? One might say that I, am actually the bi-product of you... Without you, I am not me. 

 And even less of a maybe, and more of a most definitely, if its not been about me, if it's really got nothing to do with me, then its about Him...

 Its all about Him and its always been about him. And there is a big difference between saying that, and living a life that says it. It took 24 years for me to start living a life that says that. It seems like a lot of people "can't believe what I am doing," and I get a lot of, "I just don't know how you do it." Guess what, I'm right there with you... This is craziness and I don't know what is happening most of the time, but all I can say is that, "He is so good. He is so so good."

What did I have to do with it... I said, "alright I'll go."

 And that's all that God is looking for. You, to have a willing heart. He already has the story and you already have a part. it just so happens to perfectly match the desires of your heart. It happens to be exactly what you were made to do. And the great thing is, you get to decide whether you want to be apart of it or not. It's on you.

So today, on my birthday, I celebrate you (and you, mom!). Thank you for the impact you've had on my life. Your encouragements, prayers and support have enabled me to faithfully answer the Lords call. And today I celebrate Him! I look at my 365 days of age 25, and can't not see God's faithfulness to me. What 26 will bring... great great things! Thanks for investing in my life!

    - Ryan

The blindfold is on. It's completely dark. You've got someone behind you, most likely a person you can trust. They are pushing you forward. It's a challenge. You trust them, you are working together, but you really want to see what's next. Can't you at least sneak a peak down and see the floor below you? It takes all you've got to not pull that bandana off! You can trust the person but what if... What if their perspective isn't as good as yours and they miss something? You could fall! What if they push you faster than you can run? What if they trip you up and slow you down? It's scary.

This is very much the journey that the Lord has led me on over these last 20 months now. There have been a lot of blind steps. Almost all the steps have been blind. He has asked me to do, led me to do, some ridiculous things. I get asked questions all the time about what's next and my frequent answer is, "ya know, I really don't know yet..."

Here are a few things I do know:

       You've got to be moving to be led. 

      So many times we let fear (or excuses) cripple us to the point that we just sit still. We don't know the full plan so we sit still until we do. We don't know what's next so we stay stuck in what's now. If you want to be moved in a certain direction, you've got start moving your feet. God will always reveal just enough of the plan, at the exact time, right when you need to know it.

He has got more for you. 

      More than you could ever imagine. The plans that God has for your life are so good that you couldn't even dream them up for yourselves. The key, trade something little, for something huge. Trade your human dreams, for his divine dreams. What he wants to happen, will be accomplished. Be willing. Say, "yes Lord!"

You can trust him.

      He is the one Father that loves us perfectly and knows us, because He intimately formed us! He knows the true desires of our hearts. Not the desires we "have" the deceive us, but the true desires that we have. Desires that we don't even know are our desires, He wants to led us to them. He wants good things for our lives. He is always working things out for our good. 

Last Tuesday (Oct 4^th) the blind steps of faith continued for me. I flew 21 hours to Nairobi, Kenya because that is where I felt God was calling me. I needed to continue learning about orphanages. Take blind steps. I arrived at 12:30am not having confirmation from either hostel I contacted, aka not knowing where I was staying that night. I walked outside the airport and two different people with "r. bodine" signs were waiting for me. Take blind steps. I was about to take my first Matatu ride to Kijabe, not intimidated but not sure how things were going to turn out. I squeeze into the back of the Matatu and notice 3 mzungus sitting in the front. We start talking. "where you from? How old are you? oh, what church or organization are you with?"

"yeah, we are here with an organization called Adventures in Missions."

Take blind steps.

Do you see? Blindness, when being led by the Father, is not blindness at all. 

it's not too often that i do this but i want to share with you something that's been on my mind. maybe more like, what God has been teaching me especially in these last few weeks. sometimes i think he teaches me things that are for me, but not for me to keep to myself. i guess you could say this is a mini lesson on life from a guy that is still trying to figure out life... dangerous right? but maybe this is for you...

it seems like in the last, probably the last year or so, some crazy things have happened in my life. things that have left me thinking, "huh? wait what? you, you've got to be kidding me?" and the more i look around, the more i see that's probably been the story for a lot of people. If we go even larger scale, we see some major tragedies have happened in the last year or so: earthquakes, typhoons, tornadoes, etc. Things that leave us asking "why?" This is not the blog where i make my disillusioned prediction that the world is going to end. sorry, ain't gone happen! But i want to share a couple statements of truth that has helped keep me through this journey we call life.

God's in control. 

When it comes down to it, this is what matters. He is in control. As much as we desire to be in control or maybe even at times, think we are in control, we aren't. Our plans fail, people fail us. A saying that rings true in the Philippines is, "expect the unexpected." Maybe it's not just a saying for the Philippines though... Things happen that leave me just shaking my head in disbelief. Sometimes I even laugh. A lot of the times i think "God what? How could this happen? Why does this happen?"  It's almost our go to response when things don't go as we expected, "why God!" And His answer for me over this past year has been a pretty simple one, 

"because you can trust me, because i love you."

that kind of shuts up all my questions. i mean, what can you really say to that? Good one God. You win. Again... I've been reading here recently in a couple different books, and i've been gaining a better understanding of how great it is that I'm not in control. See we get this sense that we are in control and get these great ideas of what should be happening and then they get torn to shreads and thrown away and we are left here with nothing. Left seconding guessing with what i could've, should've and would've. We can go crazy with this thinking until we finally realize that God's in control and he has been the whole time. We must find comfort in understanding that we aren't in control and that God is. Do you realize that God's not worried or even shaken by a "problem" or "struggle" that we're going through? He cares, oh does he care, but he's not worried. He sees the big picture. He knows the grand plan. He knows exactly why you're going through it, He's going through it with you and even better, He knows the story of redemption the He has already been planned out. As a wise man once said, "hang in there."

so if thats you, i just want to encourage with one last truth. It's found in Romans 8:28 and it's pretty simple. You've probably read it before but maybe you don't know it yet.

in all things God works for the good

 of those who love him

Read it again. (do it!) it says "in all things." memorize this. "He is working for my good." He is at work for my good. Maybe not necessarily how we planned it or imagined it, but it's for our good. when you can't go on, declare it over yourself. "He is working for my good." When you are tempted to ask "why?" instead thank Him, "God, I thank you that you are working out all things for my good!" Starting today, live like you believe it. Have freedom in knowing that its true. "He is working for my good!"

Something amazing, you could even call it a little miracle, happened at our childrens home last monday. It's something that I think is worth sharing. It's worth sharing because not only is it the orphan's story, but it's our story. It's your story. It's my story. It's the story of God, our loving Heavenly Father. Below is one of my friend's account of that morning. Give it a read: 

"The Filipino man and woman stepped into the nursery and all fell silent. We knew this day was coming but didn't know what it would be like. Seven month old baby Colene sat in the play area, cute as ever in her pink dress, headband, and white shoes. She stared up at them, as the couple stared back. The man began to weep as they stepped into the play pen and sat down next to their new baby daughter. Tears sprang to my eyes as millions of emotions swept over me: sadness over telling this precious little one good-bye, yet joy that she will now grow up in a loving Christian family. 

There is nothing sweeter than watching the abandoned be welcomed into a loving home. As I watched this earthly father take his daughter into his arms for the first time, I also saw the image of the Heavenly Father wrapping His loving arms around His children as they come to Him for adoption. I can't stop smiling."

Do you get it..? Do you see what Heather saw that morning? In essence, she saw an physical example of our Heavenly Father that is desperately longing for us. He is pursuing us with this infinite amount of persistence that is completely inspired by love. He would do anything to call us His own. Matter of fact, He already did everything. All this time he's been wanting us. Wanting to know our thoughts, to share in our joys and bring us comfort in our pains. He is consumed by the very thought of us. You could say that He is crazy, in love with us. And when he finally gets us, when we are finally His, there is this overflow of joy. Joy that can only be explained through tears. Tears that come unexpectantly but are the purest explanation of emotions that have been held in for so long. 

His. We are His. Finally! We were never abandoned, forgotten or a mistake. We were His. All along that was the plan. We might have taken a couple wrong turns. Maybe made a couple poor decisions. Probably did some real dumb things but all that doesn't matter. We've been forgiven, we are His and we've been adopted. 

    - ryan

Every Thursday night the KIM staff gets together for a great time of worship. As our time was beginning a verse in John 4 came to mind where Jesus says that the time is now when "true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth." To me, that means we worship him with everything that we are. As we sang "Hosanna" we sang the words "break my heart for what breaks yours." It's a very interesting concept. We are proclaiming that we want to align our hearts with God's, not our own. So how do those words go from merely being words in a song to be reality? When we worship our Father in spirit and in truth...

The next morning I got the humbling opportunity to serve meals in a community made up of people that were displaced by Typhoon Ondoy in 2009. This community is very reminiscent of what is beginning to be built in Haiti. Rows and rows of tiny make shift houses that 1000s of people call home. As we arrived 100s of kids came with their little plastic bowls and metal plates. They were so excited for that 1 small meal. It was only a small portion of stew and rice but they were so grateful. A the little precious faces said, "thank you sir." That small portion is easily the only meal they'll have that day and most likely the only meal they've had in a couple days. My heart broke.

How many times have i experienced true hunger? I'm not talking like, "mom, I'm hungry. When's dinner?" Real, true hunger; I have not eaten in some time and i don't know where my next meal will come from. I've never experienced that. Yet countless times i've had meals placed in front of me and hardly ever am I so excited that God provided the meal for me. As i watched all the children and moms go through the line, God kept telling me, "my love is strong." It's because of his great love that those children got to eat that day. It wasn't me. I had nothing to do with it. It was the Father providing for his children. 

So tonight, before you have dinner, pray for those that don't. Pray that God will provide for them, and pray how he can use you to be an answer to their prayers.

his love is strong,

        (tito) Ryan